To My Philip

(April 28, 2011)

          I don’t know why I am writing this letter but I guess it’s because I’ve been thinking about so many things that has got to do with you and me and so other many things. I must tell you that I am not really good with words and I think you know that already. And because of that reason, I am writing this draft and I guess without even sending it to you. I am so scared, too scared of so many things and I hope you would understand.

Dear Philip,

You said it’s better if you learn how to say everything inside your heart to express them freely and release them all because you believe that it’s more truthful when spoken and said. I can explain my part. It’s just that I don’t know how to say things because my words just can’t go out and be spoken. Every time I try to speak whatever it is that I want to say to you, it feels like I’m not breathing anymore, that there’s no more words to say, and I just can’t figure out how to say it and what words to use. I am so afraid to say something that I can not even figure out how to say it. I am so sorry that I can’t even speak out my heart because it’s just too hard for me. It maybe because I’m too afraid of so many things. I’m scared because if I speak of the truth, I might be wrong with everything, that it would just be me who’s truthful about it, that I might lose my pride, that I might got loose and fall down because I have released my strength. Yes, I’ve got a pride which is as high as the tallest building you have ever seen in your entire life. And when I decide to pull them down, it would turn to be the shortest and I am not ready to do that yet. I don’t know why but it’s just it. I’m just being me. This may sound that I do not trust you, please don’t think that I don’t, it’s just that I’m scared to be wrong again, God knows how much I want to know everything about you and thank you for  making yourself known, and please believe me when I say, I believe you.

I want to say sorry for everything because I am not that good in expressing myself through words. I know words are important so you could understand me and know me well, and I’m so sorry that I just can’t do that. I know it’s hard for you to figure out everything about me and what’s in my mind, and I know you are willing to wait and ready to sacrifice for me. I thank you for that, so much. You maybe asking about the truth that I can not speak out, God knows how much I wanted to tell you everything. I am so happy that you are doing everything you can to please me and make me happy everyday. The wall post you’ve created, the private messages you’ve send, Skype moments with you, hearts and smiles, your sweetest I love You’s, everything. They all mean a lot to me, they all do. I told you before about how hard it would be for me to risk into a long distance commitment, and yes, for me it’s so hard because I’ve been there and it didn’t work. It hurts a lot, and I don’t know what more I can do to myself if that happens again. You said there is a way that my fears will be gone and you said it’s only trust, yes, I believe. You said you trust yourself and I believe you. You said you will always be there when I need you and again I believe you. You said you will be waiting until there’s nothing to wait and again I believe you. You said you will hold on for me and no matter what, you will never loose your grip even if the object you are gripping is as sharp as knife, you will never get loose. I believe you. You said you love me so much that you never felt the same way before, that I am part of you already, that I cannot stop you from loving me anymore, that until God takes away your life you will love me until your last breath. I believe you. And these are the truth about me; I trust you, that whatever happens I’ll be here, that I’ll be waiting until the time God permits us to be together, that I’ll hold on to you, that you are part of me already as well, and that I am loving you more than ever. Yes, that’s the whole truth and I can’t say that in your face because I’m too scared. I am so sorry.

Yes, I love you more than ever, I don’t know the reasons why but I just love you. I don’t know what you’ve done to me that you made me love you like this. I told my self before that I cannot love somebody so far away from me because according to myself, it is impossible to love a person you cannot even hold in the hands. Yet here I am, giving up with my pride, loosing my strength, letting go of my toughness. I am so sorry for me being scared, maybe I am not ready yet, I really just don’t know, I am very sorry.

I can not believe my self. All this time, it’s not only you who’s crying inside because of longing. Longing for us to be together and have personal acquaintances again, longing to hold hands, longing to know what’s waiting for us ahead. I was so denial, hardheaded, cold hearted, unresponsive, insensitive. And I didn’t notice I just tried to resist because I fear a lot. This is so hard for me, please try to understand.

You are having tough times and you showed me strength, I really admire you for that. You accepted me for whoever I am without even complaining about my stubborn personality and my impatience. I am really thankful that you do. I am so thankful that you never argue with me every time I say wrong things and insist them to be right. Thank you for being humble and down to earth every time I tried winning my pride. Thank you for agreeing with me even if you know I’m wrong just to keep us from argues and conflicts with our opinions. Thank you for always letting me win even if it’s you who’s always right. Thank you for listening every time I try scolding, it’s not scolding by the way, they’re just reminders. God I’ve always wanted to be treated like this and it’s only you who made it possible. Thank you for loving me more than I wished to be loved and you know what’s the best thing that I am thankful about? I thank God the most because you found me.

I don’t know if this will work, I don’t know if we can make it, and I don’t know what lies ahead of us, but this I know for sure, I’ll be faithful and committed with you and my decisions. That whatever it takes, I’ll send you back the love you deserve, that even if it’s hard for you to handle my childish attitude, I’ll be a better woman somehow. You will hear me always argue and the reason why I argue is because I love you. I easily get disappointed and the reason why I get disappointed is not because you’ve done something wrong, but because I miss you. If I get you disappointed, please forgive me, I would never mean to disappoint you or hurt you in any way. If you feel any changes in me, that means I saw changes in you. That’s how I handle emotions, that what ever you are towards me, I’ll be the same to you. So please don’t change.

Loving you is suicide, because it hurts a lot and it feels like dying realizing the fact that I cannot even hold you or touch your face or take good care of you. I don’t know why God made things hard for us, and it hurts so much. But I know I need to be tough. Maybe God let this happen because He wants me to learn the value of patience. And because of that belief, I’ll hold on to you. This is not going to be an easy ride, so please be more patient with me. Loving you is suicide but then I realize that loosing you is living in torment. I’ve had enough with loosing, so I would prefer dying.

I can guarantee that this is going to be so hard. I can also guarantee that there would be ups and downs and little by little both of us will learn so many pleasant and unpleasant things about each other. And I can also guarantee that if I will not make you mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.

How am I supposed to say all these to you? When would I have the courage? Would it be wiser to just leave it like this? Unspoken? How would you know what’s in me? Will I ever make it through darkness and fears? Would this hurt you? If it would, I’m so sorry. Please don’t give up on me. I’ll be waiting for you. I’ll hold a place for you in my heart, and that place is intended for you alone so please don’t give up because as soon as you’ll know everything, it’s not anymore “I love you, I know” but now “I know I love you” and I miss you so much.

Always,

Van